Growing up

I haven't blogged for awhile and decided to do so after encountering a few obstacles in my life recently

From my family's point of view, having a job(right, everyone would think this way) having a family(WTH!) and having the responsibility to take care of your parents(fair enough) is proof that a person has grown up,

Maybe I hit 21 too soon, b'cos I haven't gone anywhere to be able to do any of that. it's better to be 10 years younger yeah? but time never reverses....

After all this while I have sill not been able to cope with living in this world as everyone else does, and what i mean by that is to, be able to do the above,but before that, taking care of individual basic needs.

Having these, which probably only 0.1% at most that the world's population has. doesnt help:
1.Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
2.Photophobia- Fear of light.
3.Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
4.Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
5.Acousticophobia- Fear of noise


The last one mentioned seems to be my main phobia(loud or soft irregardless) When it first happened, i started wearing earplugs(eventually 24/7) from 2005-2007, but somehow after Joan Hunter's( amazing thing is i didnt even go for prayer that day) service on the 30 January 2007 I just knew , wearing EPs just wouldn't work. so I've been off earplugs since(still once in awhile if it gets too loud though,so it isnt exactly out of my system:(


What's worse, 3,4 and 5 came together, but 1 and 2 only after I took off the EPs. Up to now, it doesn't make sense why this would happen, but it has.


Being in this pile of cr** makes it real hard even 4 years down to explain my actions(or non actions) sometimes.


It's good to let it all out. I think I'm done for now.....


PS: Issac has left the building, but Ivan still remains, dunno why, but i just thought the switch back seemed more appropriate.

messed up!

I'm giving up! on practically everything! education is over! almost everything is! How recognized are qualifications if i don't have an O level full cert? Where can I go without one? You know you are wrong when everyone agrees on something that you don't. but the question is, do people think its so easy to change? easy to overcome? I would be super happy if everything was able to do with a snap of my fingers. I still cant get over my body,visual and audio hypersensitivity which everyone says its because i cant control my emotions. know what? I'm very in control of my emotions yet i still cant overcome my problem, lame!

And now because I have an intercom in my room, I cant make an audible sound as long as people are around if not the intercom will make my dad panic...

not planing for future? dunno how to look ahead? better learn to care for yourself first before caring for others. don't make people worry for you, supposed to be older take care of the younger not the other way around.

These sentences or in similar form have been said to many many times..

You think its easy for me huh? its true that everyone has his own problems,im no exception+i have an issue probably only 1 percent of the world's population has,correction, below one percent. people who know me will know what it is. who doesn't and wants to know can just come and ask me.

whatever!.....

this week

So it happened, i went down to meridian JC on friday and got a run out, had a single touch of the ball and that was it. Until the interview came, then that was a whole different story, I spent the whole day on the sidelines bar the last few minutes of the 11 a side game. Now i'm"famous" but some people don't realize how hard it is to cope with when u are in that position, the added pressure to perform after all that publicity. Nevertheless, I would like to thank the coaches and panel for giving me a chance to play. Hats off to Fandi,Aide and Nasri for the opportunity and Coach Zai for the interview opportunity as well, And to Dillenjit(sorry if i got your name wrong) for the well written article, learning opportunities for both of us. And the SDSC soccer guys( i wouldn't have a team to play for without you guys).

Onward to the next tryout!

Regards

Ivan

PS: It's page 44 of 19 September's The New Paper(Singapore) for anyone who wants to see me at my "best" lol.:D

my thoughts

soon after my latest blog entry came out, an article about Dr, William Tan and his"girlfriend" came out. Last night at dinner I had my dad tell me that if someone is nice to me it doesnt mean she fancies me. I go "WTH". so i found out my mum told my dad that Im starting to like girls. Again i go "WTH" i mean honestly, i started liking girls at 6 years of age! Also if at my age I didnt like girls, I think my parents should get worried...

Anyway, I guess what I'm going though now is frustration. I'm seriously frustrated man! Not frustrated because I felt I lost a chance with the girl, but more frustrated that I was misunderstood and lost a friend just like that.

Maybe....

Maybe: its easier
to say hello than goodbye
to say "have you eaten?" rather than"do you want to eat?
to shut up than to talk
to be asked rather than ask.
to sleep than to wake up(lazy!)
to talk rubbish than talk sense.
to say yes rather than say no.
to reject rather than accept

And the best of them all!

to die rather than to live!

sadness

The person who i want to read this wont be reading this because the person deleted me off facebook(and has no reason to come here either, so im free to air my feelings without holding back.

For the first time in my life, i wrote a girl a letter, telling her that she was beautiful and that i was thinking of her(amongst other things i cant remember). I didnt realize that that letter would have such a negative effect on our friendship(or what now is our"ex-friendship") Later on, she asked for some space between us, so I have been avoiding her(just as she requested). I never knew that losing a friend hurt so much. ( I would be lying if i said i never felt for her, but thats not important now is it?)

I just hope that time really heals all wounds.

today...

woke up at 1(or was it 2pm:p)
took mrt,then the bus.:)
I washed my clothes(the last time i did it was b4 CNY!stinky!)
I downed 3 cans of isotonic drink.
I ate 3 mini hotdogs,chicken rice(dinner) and udong(lunch)
formed a blister on my little toe due to boots(while playing soccer), missed at least 3 shots on the goalline!:(. and learned that sometimes taking the time to turn then pass is better than going for the "spectacular" backheel.:)
listened to RPGCast Episode 107 and 108(listening now.)

a week of firsts!

this week was a week of firsts for me

I got my 1st significant qualification recognized for a job(B3 for O level english)
I closed my first deal since I started trying to do an e-business(with much help from my cousin no less, thanks Jim)
I got a PS2 as a birthday present/reward for my O level results,T&Cs apply.*also considered a first.

Im sure there are more, just that I cant think of any now.

And before I forget.

I'll to thank the following people for letting my dream of getting a PS2 come true

for my grades: my mum,and tutor Elizabeth
for the PS2 and its setting up:dad,mum, Auntie Anna(Da Gugu) and Uncle Chan.

And the most important person of course. GOD!

O levels

Results just came out 15 minutes ago! B3! YEAH MAN!

Life

how long has it been since i lasted posted? at least 3 mths bah. Life is so funny, one minute u are in heaven on earth the next ur world comes crashing down. ONE Camp is over!:( I killed a moth there too!( the younger kids thot i had the "killing touch" or smth,while the older ones advised me to get the remnants off asap to prevent poisoning. Camp rocked! A round of applause for everyone involved in it(campers,camp comm and pastors). I still dunno how come pple say i encourage them. I mean i cant even push myself to fight on sometimes,yet somehow my words still encourage pple.

Tributes to the following(in no particular order) :
Flo( for keeping a smile on ur face all the time,makes me wanna smile too)
Jasmin( for always being there when I needed you)
Marcus Cheong(for closing two eyes to the rules during human tic tac toe and allowing the game to flow even though it isnt right)
Ronald( for always wanting to help me be as comfortable as possible)
The Oh Brothers(Leonard and Joel, for helping me out with my computer issues,proves how much of a dud i am at it.)
The Uni Cells( for being open to this noisy fellow having dinner with them after service)
Baoren( for staying with me when i shi**ed in my pants at camp, and up the bus too  when i had a headache)
Chris Yang(thanks for the shorts)
Guys on the bus to henderson(thanks for keeping the noise at a reasonable level when requested.)
Serratus and TORSO!(thanks guys for standing by me during camp)
And all of my other buddies from church(close or far away).

THANKS TO YOU ALL! FOR EVERYTHING! PAST,PRESENT AND FUTURE! You guys make my life worth living for!:D

And of course..... GOD! for providing you all!

Thank You God!

The month that was- August

I took the O levels oral exam this month. Prior to the exam, i did something normal examinees wouldnt do. I was watching power rangers for a few days in a row. Seems routine now(not a good thing) but again I couldnt sleep the whole night on the day of the exam. Dissidia is out!(update: 1 sep. started playing it today, more fun than i thought, even in a sense addictive:)

Apart from this, there really isnt much to type about. Expect I just missed the most important thing. Thank God, bcos my panic attacks came back this month but the new medicine the doc gave put it under control.

the week that was 5-13 july

I wanted 2 do a psp fast but after a week that went up in smoke so i look back and think maybe it was more of a self control week.

I got the cake for this month's birthdays too early, even grace said so( in fact she was the only one that said that) but then i was just wanting to get it done early. turns out a change of plans meant my cake was redundant. Fortunately big ben took it back home, if not i wouldnt know what 2 do with it.

Went to NYNY y'day 2 celebrate josh's bdae, nearly spoiled the surprise when i msged the man himself thinking that he knew, fortunately big ben and the rest took it as an oversight.

Saw uncle phua as well. turns out life in etc is quite interesting. He wanted me 2 pray 4 him 2 get taller( dun understand y tall pple wanna get taller). At 1st i didnt want 2 but as a parting"gift" u juz said a few words.

Its up to u now .God....

Felt so left out after dinner bcos i had nothing 2 share( both the dinner food and talkwise).

NYNY isnt actually as ex as i thot it wld be, which is a gd thing. haha

The week that was(22-28 june)

Events that have happened this week proves how behind my peers I am.

I went to tbp to register for some writing class( o lvls prac) on tuesday, got rejected by the 1st centre I went to, no surprise that the recep was surprised at my age taking O'
On wednesday afternoon, I got a shock by the toliet flush, YES a toliet flush. somehow I couldnt take the sudden noise that came when I flushed. Up to now it still affects me abit.

On thursday evening went for a walk, fortunately it was the straight path this time.

On friday night, my body proved it couldnt take it anymore and I blew up, second attack in 8 days.

Yesterday abigail got married.Almost couldnt recognise her without the glasses. We werent that close anyway but I expected myself to do better. She was beautiful( managed to squeeze out that word while standing there stoned). a totally different person from the one i knew more than a decade ago.

I have the class today,postponed from thursday. but im gonna miss the show"are you smarter than a 5th grader?":(.

I cant seem to kick out of my comfort zone entirely, anytime I feel better and wanna help pple, something bad happens to deter me from doing so. Thankfully I have good frens who are always ready to help out when i need them, but when can i finally let go? in 2007 (my best year post 2005) I thot I cld finally live normal again, but it seems not to be yet:(

School of Supernatural Ministry(and other things)

Summary:

Week 1 with Pastor Kris was good but was pretty passive. I wrote a note to him bcos i knew my behaviour during his sessions were less than presentable. Week 1 has given me a slight confidence boost on speaking over pple.

Like he would say: that's a good word right there:D.

Week 2 with the Dedmons and Joaquin Evans just ended today. Love them bcos they are messy when they speak, abit like me!, but at least they get their points across properly, while I don't. But i'm still not laughing proper:(. Love the laughing sessions, I feel everyone needs pple like them bcos of their gift to laugh.

I want to go to Bethel.

Remarks: So what if I look like a clown when I do stuff, I dont really care, as long as I get my point across. Just realized some things are not worth explaining. Pple stop me from laughing? I dun understand. Joy was the theme of the 1st 10 years of my life. Trying so hard to bring it back and im being stopped?!

My spirit isnt a spirit of perseverance, its a spirit of stupid everything!

Thoughts on the Champions League Final

I just saw the highlights of the final.

1) Valdes had only 1 save to make all match, really tells the story about Man U strikeforce
2) Ronaldo was not only Man U's best player. He seemed to be the only one.
3) The 1st Barca goal should not have gone in, and would not have if it was classic VDS in goal

tale of the 2 snakes

Recently, I had this dream where I was crossing a drain with my parents, not your regular drain but a huge one, the size of several drains in one. My dad crossed with no issues, then my mum crossed,I was beside her and suddenly, a creature appeared(a cross between a croc,lizard and a snake.) Strangely enough, even tho the creature was just"over there doing nothing", my mum started freaking out.

Just yesterday, I had a similar dream, I was part of a sort of a "snake" game( like the ones on handphones), A group of my friends and I were together when we saw the snake. The snake started small and we started renouncing the snake as a group.

One by one, my friends got eaten up and the snake got bigger. I was the last, so by the time it came at me, it's size was beyond epic proportions(ok,maybe not). However, before it could set its teeth on me, I woke up.

Open to interpretation, so anyone free enough to do so, plz kindly do.

Thx

Regards

Ivan

cheap and good western food( n curry)

On sunday, my parents and I decided to go to the western food pl which my dad claimed was more than juz value for money, it was also money for value. ok so that was lame(he didnt exactly say that). Anw im not really an outdoor person so I initially didnt wanna go(of cos eventually I did) and the trip was defi worth it. I had hickory bbq chicken while my dad had some beef set(both S$5.90 and mum took salmon(S$6.50). Each set came with two free sides too!(had two rounds of onion rings:)).

Verdict:9.5/10(the .5 deduction is because they didn't give sauces to go with the servings, Had to go take it ourselves.) Service was good. The food came much earlier then the estimated time.(they said 30 mins, it arrived within 10).

My dad had decided that since we went all the way to serangoon, we shld enjoy ourselves abit more so he went to order another beef item,unfortunately,by then the queue had gotten too long so he reconsidered and we decided to go across the road to try the curry.

The second round of food didnt seem to be as worth it as the 1st. $4 for a medium-sized bowl of curry and bread. Could have been cheaper, but nevertheless the curry was good, so not much to complain about.

Verdict 7.5/10(Cost and size of serving factor into the point deductions).

Overall 16/20

Would I recommend anyone to go there? Yes,but just for the western food,skip the curry unless you feel like eating some more.

My two pence worth on sunday's dinner out.

Tribute to the church

As the year comes to an end(13 days to my doc's appointment,23 days to Christmas,26 days to camp) and 29 days to January 2009, I would like to use this time, and post my public thanks to,

In no particular order:

Have helped me to understand the Bible better(Rachel and Gim Yong)

As a group helped me to adapt to church, and bearing with me and all my c**p(Phileo)

The whole youth ministry's pastors and leaders.

My cell leaders(former and current) Seah and Kok Hong for helping me adapt to cell

a person i consider a very good friend(am i even worthy?) that i can open my heart to to a certain extent: Jasmin(thanks for lending a ear to all my grouses), a friend that always seems to be there when i need one.

to all who have remembered me when I returned after 2 years away.(Moses,Zachary and many others, you know who you are), up to now i apologize that i do not know some of you who know me.

To all who made my camp life as comfortable as possible(I didnt how to appreciate one of the best rooms in the nus campus):(

And to all who i have left uncredited, I apologize.(too many of u lah)

Thank you all for helping me to live in church a life as normal as possible.

Last and Most of all.

THANK GOD FOR SENDING YOU ALL!:)

Roundup of the closing of Sep.

As Sep closes, this mth will b remembered 4 me:

1.having 2 attacks in 3 weeks

2. having my left hand jammed in between 2 auto doors.

3.managing 2 get my right index finger n left middle finger(at diff times but at the same place within 24 hrs of each other) injured bcos i knocked into a plastic hanger by accident at my house.( btw,i juz hit it lightly).

4. getting more sensitive 2 sounds n movements(I'm remedying that tho. Thank God.)

5. knowing my limits and (sometimes) trying 2 break them, but rarely successful.

6. going on a comments spree on facebook.

And finally, realizing how screwed up my life is and moving(slowly)but still moving 2 change that as well.

Closing notes: A few days ago,my mum read 2 me a book by Pastor Henry W. Wright. Of cos she didnt read thewhole thing,but anyway, after she read it, I saw this words which i believe were from God(Pharaoh,Moses,The Ten Plagues and Hardened Heart.) KH told me his interpretation of these words,but if any1 out there would like enlighten me more wif their interpretation, go ahead n do so in the"comments" section.

Thanks.

Roundup of the "major" events for "the week that was" 15 Sep-20 Sep

Tuesday 16 Sep

Went 2 c the doc. The visit was a lil longer this time. Keppra was eased off bcos of the(possible) aggravation of the side effects that i had suffered for so long. Added on Clobazam,also known as Frisium(I cun find it anywhere on Drugs.com) Apparently its a banned drugs in certain countries.

Thursday

Went back 2 office 2day. Feeling that the med withdrawal actually works but Frisium doesnt really help much.

Saturday.

Went for prayer walk arnd SPD and grace's sch(La'salles). wun really elaborate bcos there were certain sensitive issues brought up. Hung arnd grace's place till abt 530,then kh drove the grp 2 church. He cldnt go bcos of a prior appointment.

It was Baptism svc and being there alone reminded me of what happened during my own baptism last yr. That nite was pretty amusing.

Pastor Michael Ross Watson Rocks! He shld try out writing songs 4 da church. He preached using Revelations 1. Was surprised 2 know that he ever rode a motorbike and played football wif his best pants on. "Son of the King".He sure deserves that title 4 all that he has done in his life n others'.

Went 4 dinner ltr on. Officially separated from ben's side. So sad. He cldnt accept the word "separate" so I had 2 use "individualise" instead.

Today I saw leonard(joe's bro) smile for the 1st time. It wasnt flashy but was a solid straight smile. After dinner, joe,leonard n i chatted 4 quite awhile abt computers and stuff, was a very interesting conversation.

As we were abt 2 finish up n leave, ronald voiced that he "cldnt say anything" bcos he didnt know much abt comps,juz abt how 2 use them. It reminded me of the feeling that i felt as well previously(sometimes still feel it) that every1 was in sch but i wasnt, so they had common topics 2 talk abt,while i juz stoned over at my seat.

It made me realize how sometimes pple can feel so left out, after all I 've gone thru it b4. My consolation 2 ronald was there if every1 knew their computers inside out, comps technicians wld b out of a job. Dunno whether that was really much of a consolation tho.