Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Not easy

Sometimes people just dont understand why i want to be in control of my things. it feels horrible when something is done to help me but i didnt want it done in the 1st place. like this latest incident for example, the coaches gave me M size jersey tops, i didnt want to change them cos i didnt want to get into trouble with the coaches. but then mum had the green light from the coaches so she thought she would try on the Ms, but i want to take them with me and dont want other people to wear them so i told her but then she got angry. and then she brought up things like what would happen if i became successful and would think of throwing them out(family).

1. i never thought of that
2. i dont like to be a loner
3.this question has been posed so many times until im bored to answer.
4.its true that i want to be successful but im now just trying by society's standard to be. football was meant to be a hobby so when i felt that i didnt want to play anymore i stepped away. the national callup has made things different, but family doesnt believe that things will change. Step by step going thru the events that have changed my life.

1. football, i dreamt of becoming a national respresentative(just a few miles away from doing so
2. video games(wanted to be part of gaming industry, never worked out cos the idea is there but the execution isnt
3. writing/speaking I like to do the talking part more, but if i overdid it people wouldnt listen anyway, so that as a career is out(not like some inspiring thing i can share with people anyway. writing is just writing, if i can write i write, i do wanna finish my autobiography(the real one)
4. card games(TCGs)so close yet so far from building a career with that, No money, no feasible location, even with Dad's backing, if the rest dont support what can i do? i wanted to do the shop so that i had people to play with, and now i have no one i ca play with IRL. then how? shelved too.
5.Misc* voice acting, reading to kids at the CCs, even gambling, all come to mind.

I know i am fortunate to have parents around to support me, but sometimes i wish that things i want to do myself they can allow me to try(which was what dad did, to be fair)

But whats the bottom line here? to them its always that piece of paper.(i despise that thinking) because I feel that if not for that requirement, a lot of people out there(not only me, can do well)

Now that there's so many things but no fixed goal, i do not know what to do, so i just sink myself into a pit of self created happiness(thats the only way i can think of to make myself go on each day, and to have damage limitation as well) I have been trying and its extremely hard, not to explode, even those explosions and crying fits(not epileptic) i have been having can be considered very minor, maybe when i start fighting(like then i did with dad) maybe thats when some of the real explosions actually happen.

Every couple of moments im on my own or with a crowd, i always tell myself"just keep it all in" dont let it out otherwise things wont be good, but even so, those fights and quarrels happen. Dont blame me, i have to let off steam too.

My family doesnt know to what extent of insecurity of the future i actually feel,even though they think they do, which sucks. thats why mm always reinforces her fears that i would kick them aside, but i know i wouldnt, cos of something Jengting said that served as a reminder." if i were to step out of church where else can i go?" same with family, but they dont realize how much they mean to me.

I do not know when the volcano will erupt to its fullest, but what i do know is that i have to control what i can, which is limiting that volcano for as much as i can.

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