Yes Im back!:) and still very much alive. School's been mad lately. Life's mountain's just got higher. Forever and ever scaling a mountain that never ends.
Ever so delicate.
Will I ever not mess up? Will the end really justify the means?
Looking at a peak ever so high....
Mind that flows like a choked pipe.
Life's challenges will never end. The only time they do is if I'm dead. And even then..
Failure to rise above the flames. Seeking respite that I do not deserve.
I know little about what lays ahead of me yet I worry as I seek my future.
Admiration never ends. As I look at the world...
So much to type but unpieceable
Later....
Friday 12 July 2013
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Not easy
Sometimes people just dont understand why i want to be in control of my things. it feels horrible when something is done to help me but i didnt want it done in the 1st place. like this latest incident for example, the coaches gave me M size jersey tops, i didnt want to change them cos i didnt want to get into trouble with the coaches. but then mum had the green light from the coaches so she thought she would try on the Ms, but i want to take them with me and dont want other people to wear them so i told her but then she got angry. and then she brought up things like what would happen if i became successful and would think of throwing them out(family).
1. i never thought of that
2. i dont like to be a loner
3.this question has been posed so many times until im bored to answer.
4.its true that i want to be successful but im now just trying by society's standard to be. football was meant to be a hobby so when i felt that i didnt want to play anymore i stepped away. the national callup has made things different, but family doesnt believe that things will change. Step by step going thru the events that have changed my life.
1. football, i dreamt of becoming a national respresentative(just a few miles away from doing so
2. video games(wanted to be part of gaming industry, never worked out cos the idea is there but the execution isnt
3. writing/speaking I like to do the talking part more, but if i overdid it people wouldnt listen anyway, so that as a career is out(not like some inspiring thing i can share with people anyway. writing is just writing, if i can write i write, i do wanna finish my autobiography(the real one)
4. card games(TCGs)so close yet so far from building a career with that, No money, no feasible location, even with Dad's backing, if the rest dont support what can i do? i wanted to do the shop so that i had people to play with, and now i have no one i ca play with IRL. then how? shelved too.
5.Misc* voice acting, reading to kids at the CCs, even gambling, all come to mind.
I know i am fortunate to have parents around to support me, but sometimes i wish that things i want to do myself they can allow me to try(which was what dad did, to be fair)
But whats the bottom line here? to them its always that piece of paper.(i despise that thinking) because I feel that if not for that requirement, a lot of people out there(not only me, can do well)
Now that there's so many things but no fixed goal, i do not know what to do, so i just sink myself into a pit of self created happiness(thats the only way i can think of to make myself go on each day, and to have damage limitation as well) I have been trying and its extremely hard, not to explode, even those explosions and crying fits(not epileptic) i have been having can be considered very minor, maybe when i start fighting(like then i did with dad) maybe thats when some of the real explosions actually happen.
Every couple of moments im on my own or with a crowd, i always tell myself"just keep it all in" dont let it out otherwise things wont be good, but even so, those fights and quarrels happen. Dont blame me, i have to let off steam too.
My family doesnt know to what extent of insecurity of the future i actually feel,even though they think they do, which sucks. thats why mm always reinforces her fears that i would kick them aside, but i know i wouldnt, cos of something Jengting said that served as a reminder." if i were to step out of church where else can i go?" same with family, but they dont realize how much they mean to me.
I do not know when the volcano will erupt to its fullest, but what i do know is that i have to control what i can, which is limiting that volcano for as much as i can.
1. i never thought of that
2. i dont like to be a loner
3.this question has been posed so many times until im bored to answer.
4.its true that i want to be successful but im now just trying by society's standard to be. football was meant to be a hobby so when i felt that i didnt want to play anymore i stepped away. the national callup has made things different, but family doesnt believe that things will change. Step by step going thru the events that have changed my life.
1. football, i dreamt of becoming a national respresentative(just a few miles away from doing so
2. video games(wanted to be part of gaming industry, never worked out cos the idea is there but the execution isnt
3. writing/speaking I like to do the talking part more, but if i overdid it people wouldnt listen anyway, so that as a career is out(not like some inspiring thing i can share with people anyway. writing is just writing, if i can write i write, i do wanna finish my autobiography(the real one)
4. card games(TCGs)so close yet so far from building a career with that, No money, no feasible location, even with Dad's backing, if the rest dont support what can i do? i wanted to do the shop so that i had people to play with, and now i have no one i ca play with IRL. then how? shelved too.
5.Misc* voice acting, reading to kids at the CCs, even gambling, all come to mind.
I know i am fortunate to have parents around to support me, but sometimes i wish that things i want to do myself they can allow me to try(which was what dad did, to be fair)
But whats the bottom line here? to them its always that piece of paper.(i despise that thinking) because I feel that if not for that requirement, a lot of people out there(not only me, can do well)
Now that there's so many things but no fixed goal, i do not know what to do, so i just sink myself into a pit of self created happiness(thats the only way i can think of to make myself go on each day, and to have damage limitation as well) I have been trying and its extremely hard, not to explode, even those explosions and crying fits(not epileptic) i have been having can be considered very minor, maybe when i start fighting(like then i did with dad) maybe thats when some of the real explosions actually happen.
Every couple of moments im on my own or with a crowd, i always tell myself"just keep it all in" dont let it out otherwise things wont be good, but even so, those fights and quarrels happen. Dont blame me, i have to let off steam too.
My family doesnt know to what extent of insecurity of the future i actually feel,even though they think they do, which sucks. thats why mm always reinforces her fears that i would kick them aside, but i know i wouldnt, cos of something Jengting said that served as a reminder." if i were to step out of church where else can i go?" same with family, but they dont realize how much they mean to me.
I do not know when the volcano will erupt to its fullest, but what i do know is that i have to control what i can, which is limiting that volcano for as much as i can.
Sunday 11 September 2011
Recently..
Recently i have suddenly been so busy i feel like im in school again, except my work happens all over the place rather than a classroom. Walked the whole of dover and clementi and back to earn $6. is this what it means to be working? well for now i'm not under pressure so its fine but when it gets tough i hope i can hang on.these past 3 months have been so hectic for someone like me who has dropped off work for so long, really feels like school, wake early, work, afternoon nap, meal, slack, sleep... over and over.
One thing which i never fail not to do, even after i met that old lady at meiling yesterday, was not talking... no idea why but i just cant stop getting involved. asking questions, needing answers.and just being part of the whole thing, sometimes when someone is around, just keep talking....
overall, I thank God for the free food at 38 before service and the dinner at TBP after that, I guess it's adjusting after purple plate moves... and for the strength to walk distances i never thought i could. Though I still need to learn the EQ part.... learn the trust and believe in God and in people and not feel irritated or make them feel irritated.
One thing which i never fail not to do, even after i met that old lady at meiling yesterday, was not talking... no idea why but i just cant stop getting involved. asking questions, needing answers.and just being part of the whole thing, sometimes when someone is around, just keep talking....
overall, I thank God for the free food at 38 before service and the dinner at TBP after that, I guess it's adjusting after purple plate moves... and for the strength to walk distances i never thought i could. Though I still need to learn the EQ part.... learn the trust and believe in God and in people and not feel irritated or make them feel irritated.
Sunday 1 May 2011
Selling my Vanguard Cards
as above. All commons.
This game is only a few months old and I'm new to it too.
hoping that more people will play so i have more to play with:)
This game is only a few months old and I'm new to it too.
hoping that more people will play so i have more to play with:)
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Growing up
I haven't blogged for awhile and decided to do so after encountering a few obstacles in my life recently
From my family's point of view, having a job(right, everyone would think this way) having a family(WTH!) and having the responsibility to take care of your parents(fair enough) is proof that a person has grown up,
Maybe I hit 21 too soon, b'cos I haven't gone anywhere to be able to do any of that. it's better to be 10 years younger yeah? but time never reverses....
After all this while I have sill not been able to cope with living in this world as everyone else does, and what i mean by that is to, be able to do the above,but before that, taking care of individual basic needs.
Having these, which probably only 0.1% at most that the world's population has. doesnt help:
1.Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
2.Photophobia- Fear of light.
3.Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
4.Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
5.Acousticophobia- Fear of noise
The last one mentioned seems to be my main phobia(loud or soft irregardless) When it first happened, i started wearing earplugs(eventually 24/7) from 2005-2007, but somehow after Joan Hunter's( amazing thing is i didnt even go for prayer that day) service on the 30 January 2007 I just knew , wearing EPs just wouldn't work. so I've been off earplugs since(still once in awhile if it gets too loud though,so it isnt exactly out of my system:(
What's worse, 3,4 and 5 came together, but 1 and 2 only after I took off the EPs. Up to now, it doesn't make sense why this would happen, but it has.
Being in this pile of cr** makes it real hard even 4 years down to explain my actions(or non actions) sometimes.
It's good to let it all out. I think I'm done for now.....
PS: Issac has left the building, but Ivan still remains, dunno why, but i just thought the switch back seemed more appropriate.
From my family's point of view, having a job(right, everyone would think this way) having a family(WTH!) and having the responsibility to take care of your parents(fair enough) is proof that a person has grown up,
Maybe I hit 21 too soon, b'cos I haven't gone anywhere to be able to do any of that. it's better to be 10 years younger yeah? but time never reverses....
After all this while I have sill not been able to cope with living in this world as everyone else does, and what i mean by that is to, be able to do the above,but before that, taking care of individual basic needs.
Having these, which probably only 0.1% at most that the world's population has. doesnt help:
1.Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
2.Photophobia- Fear of light.
3.Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
4.Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
5.Acousticophobia- Fear of noise
The last one mentioned seems to be my main phobia(loud or soft irregardless) When it first happened, i started wearing earplugs(eventually 24/7) from 2005-2007, but somehow after Joan Hunter's( amazing thing is i didnt even go for prayer that day) service on the 30 January 2007 I just knew , wearing EPs just wouldn't work. so I've been off earplugs since(still once in awhile if it gets too loud though,so it isnt exactly out of my system:(
What's worse, 3,4 and 5 came together, but 1 and 2 only after I took off the EPs. Up to now, it doesn't make sense why this would happen, but it has.
Being in this pile of cr** makes it real hard even 4 years down to explain my actions(or non actions) sometimes.
It's good to let it all out. I think I'm done for now.....
PS: Issac has left the building, but Ivan still remains, dunno why, but i just thought the switch back seemed more appropriate.
Tuesday 12 October 2010
messed up!
I'm giving up! on practically everything! education is over! almost everything is! How recognized are qualifications if i don't have an O level full cert? Where can I go without one? You know you are wrong when everyone agrees on something that you don't. but the question is, do people think its so easy to change? easy to overcome? I would be super happy if everything was able to do with a snap of my fingers. I still cant get over my body,visual and audio hypersensitivity which everyone says its because i cant control my emotions. know what? I'm very in control of my emotions yet i still cant overcome my problem, lame!
And now because I have an intercom in my room, I cant make an audible sound as long as people are around if not the intercom will make my dad panic...
not planing for future? dunno how to look ahead? better learn to care for yourself first before caring for others. don't make people worry for you, supposed to be older take care of the younger not the other way around.
These sentences or in similar form have been said to many many times..
You think its easy for me huh? its true that everyone has his own problems,im no exception+i have an issue probably only 1 percent of the world's population has,correction, below one percent. people who know me will know what it is. who doesn't and wants to know can just come and ask me.
whatever!.....
And now because I have an intercom in my room, I cant make an audible sound as long as people are around if not the intercom will make my dad panic...
not planing for future? dunno how to look ahead? better learn to care for yourself first before caring for others. don't make people worry for you, supposed to be older take care of the younger not the other way around.
These sentences or in similar form have been said to many many times..
You think its easy for me huh? its true that everyone has his own problems,im no exception+i have an issue probably only 1 percent of the world's population has,correction, below one percent. people who know me will know what it is. who doesn't and wants to know can just come and ask me.
whatever!.....
Sunday 19 September 2010
this week
So it happened, i went down to meridian JC on friday and got a run out, had a single touch of the ball and that was it. Until the interview came, then that was a whole different story, I spent the whole day on the sidelines bar the last few minutes of the 11 a side game. Now i'm"famous" but some people don't realize how hard it is to cope with when u are in that position, the added pressure to perform after all that publicity. Nevertheless, I would like to thank the coaches and panel for giving me a chance to play. Hats off to Fandi,Aide and Nasri for the opportunity and Coach Zai for the interview opportunity as well, And to Dillenjit(sorry if i got your name wrong) for the well written article, learning opportunities for both of us. And the SDSC soccer guys( i wouldn't have a team to play for without you guys).
Onward to the next tryout!
Regards
Ivan
PS: It's page 44 of 19 September's The New Paper(Singapore) for anyone who wants to see me at my "best" lol.:D
Onward to the next tryout!
Regards
Ivan
PS: It's page 44 of 19 September's The New Paper(Singapore) for anyone who wants to see me at my "best" lol.:D
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