Friends, and other thoughts

At this point with so much happening, it made me realize how much I treasure face to face quality time with friends

Sometimes we meet up only once a year, every few months or sometimes every week(my cell) Nevertheless I treasure all of those times

Sometimes we meet up just to catch up, sometimes we meet up at my request, but either way it does not matter to me, because time together is still time together, whether is it a sharing time over a meal or some video games.

At some point in my life I want to look back and say I have been a friend as well, although from my perspective I have not been able to contribute much into anyone's life.

The friends who really stick are those that do not question when you need their help, they just lend a hand when required, I hope I can be one of those kind of friends eventually, bcos the irony is I always ask why, yet I do not like to answer "Why"questions.

Every time an act of mine is affirmed, it makes me feel happy, but the consequence of that act may not be one I actually wanted. to which I question:"what if I did not do this?,then things would not have turned out this way" but upon reflection, maybe I would have done it anyway, if the opportunity arose, but maybe could have handled it better(maybe not so aggressively? insistent? whiny?) who knows?

Every experience is what makes an individual's life, whether good or bad to gear up for another phase in life, but if lessons are not learned then I’m just at risk of going through the same issues of the past again.

Im back!

Yes Im back!:) and still very much alive. School's been mad lately. Life's mountain's just got higher. Forever and ever scaling a mountain that never ends.

Ever so delicate.
Will I ever not mess up? Will the end really justify the means?

Looking at a peak ever so high....

Mind that flows like a choked pipe.

Life's challenges will never end. The only time they do is if I'm dead. And even then..

Failure to rise above the flames. Seeking respite that I do not deserve.

I know little about what lays ahead of me yet I worry as I seek my future.

Admiration never ends. As I look at the world...

So much to type but unpieceable

Later....

Not easy

Sometimes people just dont understand why i want to be in control of my things. it feels horrible when something is done to help me but i didnt want it done in the 1st place. like this latest incident for example, the coaches gave me M size jersey tops, i didnt want to change them cos i didnt want to get into trouble with the coaches. but then mum had the green light from the coaches so she thought she would try on the Ms, but i want to take them with me and dont want other people to wear them so i told her but then she got angry. and then she brought up things like what would happen if i became successful and would think of throwing them out(family).

1. i never thought of that
2. i dont like to be a loner
3.this question has been posed so many times until im bored to answer.
4.its true that i want to be successful but im now just trying by society's standard to be. football was meant to be a hobby so when i felt that i didnt want to play anymore i stepped away. the national callup has made things different, but family doesnt believe that things will change. Step by step going thru the events that have changed my life.

1. football, i dreamt of becoming a national respresentative(just a few miles away from doing so
2. video games(wanted to be part of gaming industry, never worked out cos the idea is there but the execution isnt
3. writing/speaking I like to do the talking part more, but if i overdid it people wouldnt listen anyway, so that as a career is out(not like some inspiring thing i can share with people anyway. writing is just writing, if i can write i write, i do wanna finish my autobiography(the real one)
4. card games(TCGs)so close yet so far from building a career with that, No money, no feasible location, even with Dad's backing, if the rest dont support what can i do? i wanted to do the shop so that i had people to play with, and now i have no one i ca play with IRL. then how? shelved too.
5.Misc* voice acting, reading to kids at the CCs, even gambling, all come to mind.

I know i am fortunate to have parents around to support me, but sometimes i wish that things i want to do myself they can allow me to try(which was what dad did, to be fair)

But whats the bottom line here? to them its always that piece of paper.(i despise that thinking) because I feel that if not for that requirement, a lot of people out there(not only me, can do well)

Now that there's so many things but no fixed goal, i do not know what to do, so i just sink myself into a pit of self created happiness(thats the only way i can think of to make myself go on each day, and to have damage limitation as well) I have been trying and its extremely hard, not to explode, even those explosions and crying fits(not epileptic) i have been having can be considered very minor, maybe when i start fighting(like then i did with dad) maybe thats when some of the real explosions actually happen.

Every couple of moments im on my own or with a crowd, i always tell myself"just keep it all in" dont let it out otherwise things wont be good, but even so, those fights and quarrels happen. Dont blame me, i have to let off steam too.

My family doesnt know to what extent of insecurity of the future i actually feel,even though they think they do, which sucks. thats why mm always reinforces her fears that i would kick them aside, but i know i wouldnt, cos of something Jengting said that served as a reminder." if i were to step out of church where else can i go?" same with family, but they dont realize how much they mean to me.

I do not know when the volcano will erupt to its fullest, but what i do know is that i have to control what i can, which is limiting that volcano for as much as i can.

Recently..

Recently i have suddenly been so busy i feel like im in school again, except my work happens all over the place rather than a classroom. Walked the whole of dover and clementi and back to earn $6. is this what it means to be working? well for now i'm not under pressure so its fine but when it gets tough i hope i can hang on.these past 3 months have been so hectic for someone like me who has dropped off work for so long, really feels like school, wake early, work, afternoon nap, meal, slack, sleep... over and over.

One thing which i never fail not to do, even after i met that old lady at meiling yesterday, was not talking... no idea why but i just cant stop getting involved. asking questions, needing answers.and just being part of the whole thing, sometimes when someone is around, just keep talking....

overall, I thank God for the free food at 38 before service and the dinner at TBP after that, I guess it's adjusting after purple plate moves... and for the strength to walk distances i never thought i could. Though I still need to learn the EQ part.... learn the trust and believe in God and in people and not feel irritated or make them feel irritated.

Selling my Vanguard Cards

as above. All commons.

This game is only a few months old and I'm new to it too.

hoping that more people will play so i have more to play with:)

Growing up

I haven't blogged for awhile and decided to do so after encountering a few obstacles in my life recently

From my family's point of view, having a job(right, everyone would think this way) having a family(WTH!) and having the responsibility to take care of your parents(fair enough) is proof that a person has grown up,

Maybe I hit 21 too soon, b'cos I haven't gone anywhere to be able to do any of that. it's better to be 10 years younger yeah? but time never reverses....

After all this while I have sill not been able to cope with living in this world as everyone else does, and what i mean by that is to, be able to do the above,but before that, taking care of individual basic needs.

Having these, which probably only 0.1% at most that the world's population has. doesnt help:
1.Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
2.Photophobia- Fear of light.
3.Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
4.Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
5.Acousticophobia- Fear of noise


The last one mentioned seems to be my main phobia(loud or soft irregardless) When it first happened, i started wearing earplugs(eventually 24/7) from 2005-2007, but somehow after Joan Hunter's( amazing thing is i didnt even go for prayer that day) service on the 30 January 2007 I just knew , wearing EPs just wouldn't work. so I've been off earplugs since(still once in awhile if it gets too loud though,so it isnt exactly out of my system:(


What's worse, 3,4 and 5 came together, but 1 and 2 only after I took off the EPs. Up to now, it doesn't make sense why this would happen, but it has.


Being in this pile of cr** makes it real hard even 4 years down to explain my actions(or non actions) sometimes.


It's good to let it all out. I think I'm done for now.....


PS: Issac has left the building, but Ivan still remains, dunno why, but i just thought the switch back seemed more appropriate.

messed up!

I'm giving up! on practically everything! education is over! almost everything is! How recognized are qualifications if i don't have an O level full cert? Where can I go without one? You know you are wrong when everyone agrees on something that you don't. but the question is, do people think its so easy to change? easy to overcome? I would be super happy if everything was able to do with a snap of my fingers. I still cant get over my body,visual and audio hypersensitivity which everyone says its because i cant control my emotions. know what? I'm very in control of my emotions yet i still cant overcome my problem, lame!

And now because I have an intercom in my room, I cant make an audible sound as long as people are around if not the intercom will make my dad panic...

not planing for future? dunno how to look ahead? better learn to care for yourself first before caring for others. don't make people worry for you, supposed to be older take care of the younger not the other way around.

These sentences or in similar form have been said to many many times..

You think its easy for me huh? its true that everyone has his own problems,im no exception+i have an issue probably only 1 percent of the world's population has,correction, below one percent. people who know me will know what it is. who doesn't and wants to know can just come and ask me.

whatever!.....

this week

So it happened, i went down to meridian JC on friday and got a run out, had a single touch of the ball and that was it. Until the interview came, then that was a whole different story, I spent the whole day on the sidelines bar the last few minutes of the 11 a side game. Now i'm"famous" but some people don't realize how hard it is to cope with when u are in that position, the added pressure to perform after all that publicity. Nevertheless, I would like to thank the coaches and panel for giving me a chance to play. Hats off to Fandi,Aide and Nasri for the opportunity and Coach Zai for the interview opportunity as well, And to Dillenjit(sorry if i got your name wrong) for the well written article, learning opportunities for both of us. And the SDSC soccer guys( i wouldn't have a team to play for without you guys).

Onward to the next tryout!

Regards

Ivan

PS: It's page 44 of 19 September's The New Paper(Singapore) for anyone who wants to see me at my "best" lol.:D

my thoughts

soon after my latest blog entry came out, an article about Dr, William Tan and his"girlfriend" came out. Last night at dinner I had my dad tell me that if someone is nice to me it doesnt mean she fancies me. I go "WTH". so i found out my mum told my dad that Im starting to like girls. Again i go "WTH" i mean honestly, i started liking girls at 6 years of age! Also if at my age I didnt like girls, I think my parents should get worried...

Anyway, I guess what I'm going though now is frustration. I'm seriously frustrated man! Not frustrated because I felt I lost a chance with the girl, but more frustrated that I was misunderstood and lost a friend just like that.

Maybe....

Maybe: its easier
to say hello than goodbye
to say "have you eaten?" rather than"do you want to eat?
to shut up than to talk
to be asked rather than ask.
to sleep than to wake up(lazy!)
to talk rubbish than talk sense.
to say yes rather than say no.
to reject rather than accept

And the best of them all!

to die rather than to live!

sadness

The person who i want to read this wont be reading this because the person deleted me off facebook(and has no reason to come here either, so im free to air my feelings without holding back.

For the first time in my life, i wrote a girl a letter, telling her that she was beautiful and that i was thinking of her(amongst other things i cant remember). I didnt realize that that letter would have such a negative effect on our friendship(or what now is our"ex-friendship") Later on, she asked for some space between us, so I have been avoiding her(just as she requested). I never knew that losing a friend hurt so much. ( I would be lying if i said i never felt for her, but thats not important now is it?)

I just hope that time really heals all wounds.

today...

woke up at 1(or was it 2pm:p)
took mrt,then the bus.:)
I washed my clothes(the last time i did it was b4 CNY!stinky!)
I downed 3 cans of isotonic drink.
I ate 3 mini hotdogs,chicken rice(dinner) and udong(lunch)
formed a blister on my little toe due to boots(while playing soccer), missed at least 3 shots on the goalline!:(. and learned that sometimes taking the time to turn then pass is better than going for the "spectacular" backheel.:)
listened to RPGCast Episode 107 and 108(listening now.)

a week of firsts!

this week was a week of firsts for me

I got my 1st significant qualification recognized for a job(B3 for O level english)
I closed my first deal since I started trying to do an e-business(with much help from my cousin no less, thanks Jim)
I got a PS2 as a birthday present/reward for my O level results,T&Cs apply.*also considered a first.

Im sure there are more, just that I cant think of any now.

And before I forget.

I'll to thank the following people for letting my dream of getting a PS2 come true

for my grades: my mum,and tutor Elizabeth
for the PS2 and its setting up:dad,mum, Auntie Anna(Da Gugu) and Uncle Chan.

And the most important person of course. GOD!

O levels

Results just came out 15 minutes ago! B3! YEAH MAN!

Life

how long has it been since i lasted posted? at least 3 mths bah. Life is so funny, one minute u are in heaven on earth the next ur world comes crashing down. ONE Camp is over!:( I killed a moth there too!( the younger kids thot i had the "killing touch" or smth,while the older ones advised me to get the remnants off asap to prevent poisoning. Camp rocked! A round of applause for everyone involved in it(campers,camp comm and pastors). I still dunno how come pple say i encourage them. I mean i cant even push myself to fight on sometimes,yet somehow my words still encourage pple.

Tributes to the following(in no particular order) :
Flo( for keeping a smile on ur face all the time,makes me wanna smile too)
Jasmin( for always being there when I needed you)
Marcus Cheong(for closing two eyes to the rules during human tic tac toe and allowing the game to flow even though it isnt right)
Ronald( for always wanting to help me be as comfortable as possible)
The Oh Brothers(Leonard and Joel, for helping me out with my computer issues,proves how much of a dud i am at it.)
The Uni Cells( for being open to this noisy fellow having dinner with them after service)
Baoren( for staying with me when i shi**ed in my pants at camp, and up the bus too  when i had a headache)
Chris Yang(thanks for the shorts)
Guys on the bus to henderson(thanks for keeping the noise at a reasonable level when requested.)
Serratus and TORSO!(thanks guys for standing by me during camp)
And all of my other buddies from church(close or far away).

THANKS TO YOU ALL! FOR EVERYTHING! PAST,PRESENT AND FUTURE! You guys make my life worth living for!:D

And of course..... GOD! for providing you all!

Thank You God!

The month that was- August

I took the O levels oral exam this month. Prior to the exam, i did something normal examinees wouldnt do. I was watching power rangers for a few days in a row. Seems routine now(not a good thing) but again I couldnt sleep the whole night on the day of the exam. Dissidia is out!(update: 1 sep. started playing it today, more fun than i thought, even in a sense addictive:)

Apart from this, there really isnt much to type about. Expect I just missed the most important thing. Thank God, bcos my panic attacks came back this month but the new medicine the doc gave put it under control.

the week that was 5-13 july

I wanted 2 do a psp fast but after a week that went up in smoke so i look back and think maybe it was more of a self control week.

I got the cake for this month's birthdays too early, even grace said so( in fact she was the only one that said that) but then i was just wanting to get it done early. turns out a change of plans meant my cake was redundant. Fortunately big ben took it back home, if not i wouldnt know what 2 do with it.

Went to NYNY y'day 2 celebrate josh's bdae, nearly spoiled the surprise when i msged the man himself thinking that he knew, fortunately big ben and the rest took it as an oversight.

Saw uncle phua as well. turns out life in etc is quite interesting. He wanted me 2 pray 4 him 2 get taller( dun understand y tall pple wanna get taller). At 1st i didnt want 2 but as a parting"gift" u juz said a few words.

Its up to u now .God....

Felt so left out after dinner bcos i had nothing 2 share( both the dinner food and talkwise).

NYNY isnt actually as ex as i thot it wld be, which is a gd thing. haha

The week that was(22-28 june)

Events that have happened this week proves how behind my peers I am.

I went to tbp to register for some writing class( o lvls prac) on tuesday, got rejected by the 1st centre I went to, no surprise that the recep was surprised at my age taking O'
On wednesday afternoon, I got a shock by the toliet flush, YES a toliet flush. somehow I couldnt take the sudden noise that came when I flushed. Up to now it still affects me abit.

On thursday evening went for a walk, fortunately it was the straight path this time.

On friday night, my body proved it couldnt take it anymore and I blew up, second attack in 8 days.

Yesterday abigail got married.Almost couldnt recognise her without the glasses. We werent that close anyway but I expected myself to do better. She was beautiful( managed to squeeze out that word while standing there stoned). a totally different person from the one i knew more than a decade ago.

I have the class today,postponed from thursday. but im gonna miss the show"are you smarter than a 5th grader?":(.

I cant seem to kick out of my comfort zone entirely, anytime I feel better and wanna help pple, something bad happens to deter me from doing so. Thankfully I have good frens who are always ready to help out when i need them, but when can i finally let go? in 2007 (my best year post 2005) I thot I cld finally live normal again, but it seems not to be yet:(

School of Supernatural Ministry(and other things)

Summary:

Week 1 with Pastor Kris was good but was pretty passive. I wrote a note to him bcos i knew my behaviour during his sessions were less than presentable. Week 1 has given me a slight confidence boost on speaking over pple.

Like he would say: that's a good word right there:D.

Week 2 with the Dedmons and Joaquin Evans just ended today. Love them bcos they are messy when they speak, abit like me!, but at least they get their points across properly, while I don't. But i'm still not laughing proper:(. Love the laughing sessions, I feel everyone needs pple like them bcos of their gift to laugh.

I want to go to Bethel.

Remarks: So what if I look like a clown when I do stuff, I dont really care, as long as I get my point across. Just realized some things are not worth explaining. Pple stop me from laughing? I dun understand. Joy was the theme of the 1st 10 years of my life. Trying so hard to bring it back and im being stopped?!

My spirit isnt a spirit of perseverance, its a spirit of stupid everything!

Thoughts on the Champions League Final

I just saw the highlights of the final.

1) Valdes had only 1 save to make all match, really tells the story about Man U strikeforce
2) Ronaldo was not only Man U's best player. He seemed to be the only one.
3) The 1st Barca goal should not have gone in, and would not have if it was classic VDS in goal